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Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Case of the Missing Students: Mystery Solved

April 26, 2007 (GBN News): A mystery has arisen over a large number of apparently missing NY City schoolchildren. The latest figures concerning the graduation rate of the NY City schools reveal that in past years there were thousands fewer students enrolled than had originally been reported. For example, in February 2005, the DOE reported that in the year 2000, the size of the entering 9th grade class citywide was 76,995. But the DOE later released figures that put the number at 74,786. Because of the smaller population, this has the effect of making the graduation rate look much higher. But this also raises the concern of what happened to those other students, and more importantly, are there any such “missing students” currently in the system?

To keep its readers informed, GBN News hired a Private Investigator to try to get to the bottom of this enigma. While the trail of the class of 2004 has gone cold, he was able to track down a handful of current students who claim they are attending school but are not being acknowledged by the system. Some of them, along with their parents, graciously allowed our reporter to speak to them.

One student, who like the others spoke to us due to the condition of anonymity, said the past year and a half have been “eerie”. “I’m at school, I go to classes”, she said, “but nobody seems to acknowledge that I’m here. My lunch card won’t swipe, my cell phone didn’t set off the metal detector, and my teachers don’t even call on me when I raise my hand.” Another student complained that while he stars for the school basketball team, his 20 point a game average is not included in the final score, and the team keeps losing. And a student who writes for the school paper said that her byline keeps printing out as “Anonymous”.

A parent of one of the missing students expressed concern that despite all the hard work her son is putting in, he may not be able to officially graduate. However, a DOE spokesperson guaranteed that any and all of the “so called missing students” will receive their diplomas. “Just because a child is not really here”, she said, “doesn’t mean the child won’t graduate.”

When reached later for comment, Schools Chancellor Klein blamed the UFT and “other defenders of the status quo” for raising this as a problem. “They keep harping on the need for smaller classes. Well, if the kids are not really there, they can’t take up class space. Duh! You get smaller classes. Higher graduation rates. Our reforms are working, but those people are never satisfied.” When told of this remark, one of the “missing students” said, appropriately, “No comment.”


Leonie Haimson said...

very spooky; very "Sixth Sense."

thanks Gary!

To a reporter I called them the desparecidos.

Norm said...

Have your private eyes checked out the NRA?