Foiled By The Bell

March 6, 2007 (GBN News):In an ironic twist, a field test of the DOE’s new ARIS supercomputer was cut short today when a technician tried to bring the computer into a school but was thwarted by a random metal scanning device. The school, MS 322 in Brooklyn, was slated to be the first facility to try out the new system, which the DOE says will track students’ achievement. According to witnesses, when the metal detector went off, a school safety officer confiscated the computer. When it was pointed out to the officer that the technician was not a student and was on DOE business, she defended the action, saying that there were “no exceptions” to the rule banning electronic devices in schools, and “besides, all these computer people look like they’re 14 anyhow”. A DOE official said that the test will now have to be delayed until the technician’s parent comes to the school to reclaim the computer.

In a related story, Schools Chancellor Joel Klein denied today that he was in line to become the new head of the Central Intelligence Agency. President Bush was reportedly impressed at Klein’s ability to function in secret without parents, teachers or administrators finding out about it. But Klein said that, while he was flattered to be considered, “When it comes to keeping secrets, the CIA just can’t compete with the DOE.”