Joel Jolts Jerusalem

May 8, 2010 (GBN News): Israelis are in a state of panic today over what many feel could be the greatest existential threat to the country since the Yom Kippur War. Their fears were apparently precipitated by the announcement that NY City Schools Chancellor Joel Klein is planning a visit to Jerusalem next week to introduce his version of school reform. The widespread concern is that if Mr. Klein does to the Israeli school system what he has done to the schools in New York, it could ultimately sap the country of the very creativity and technological savvy that have built and maintained its economy and security.

Meanwhile, in Teheran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reacted to the Klein visit by announcing that his country will immediately terminate its nuclear program. "What do we need nukes for?" he asked rhetorically in a speech translated from the Farsi by GBN News. "He'll wreck their whole system and we won't have to fire a shot."

Mr. Ahmadinejad then seemed to strike a more sympathetic tone, saying, "Actually, I kind of feel bad for the people there. I mean, normally I wouldn't wish that guy on my worst enemy." But back in character, he added, "On the other hand, Israel is my worst enemy. So this could really work for us."

In a related story, Osama Bin Laden, apparently attempting to turn around what he termed, "failing jihadist training facilities", announced a new merit pay plan based on the Klein school reform model. In a video tape aired today on the Al Jezeera network, the Al Qaida leader said that suicide bombers would no longer automatically receive 72 virgins as a reward. The number of virgins will now be based on the "effectiveness" of their terrorist acts.