The Case of the Missing Chancellor

May 2, 2009 (GBN News): An air of mystery pervaded the NY City Department of Education today, as Chancellor Joel Klein has been missing for the last two days. His disappearance coincides with the release of a report finding that increasing numbers of students have also disappeared (or, as the DOE puts it, “discharged”) from the city’s schools.

While the DOE has tried to explain the missing students by maintaining that they must have gone to suburban schools or parochial schools, the report found that demographic data do not support this theory. Nevertheless, Deputy Chancellor Chris Cerf gave reporters the very same explanation for Mr. Klein’s disappearance.

“Nothing to be alarmed at,” said Mr. Cerf when questioned at Tweed Courthouse, the DOE headquarters. “I’m sure he’s just gone to New Jersey to try out some of his reforms there.”

GBN News investigative reporters have been on the scene in New Jersey, and turned up some evidence which may bear out Mr. Cerf’s contention. A man whose physical characteristics match those of Mr. Klein was seen running away from the Montclair, New Jersey School Board headquarters this afternoon, chased by what appeared to be an angry mob. However, the man’s identity could not be determined because he had apparently been tarred and feathered.

J. Fredrick Runson, head of the Education Department at Manhattan University and an expert on educational sorcery, told GBN News that he is sure the unidentified man is Mr. Klein. “I suspect he got caught up in the DOE’s discharge program and ended up in New Jersey, just as the Deputy Chancellor said”, Dr. Runson told GBN News. “He probably tried to reform the first school system he came upon. But unlike New York City, suburban schools have elected community representatives who are actually empowered to run the schools. They obviously refused to tolerate Joel Klein’s voodoo reforms, and ran him out of town.”

Dr. Runson did, however, point out one major benefit of Mr. Klein’s disappearance. “Just like the student discharges, losing such a ‘low performing’ Chancellor can’t help but raise the graduation rate in the NY City schools.”


With thanks to Eduwonkette