Mike and Joel Save City

Sorry if this seems like a sell-out, but you see, I just read that there’s this big expansion of the DOE PR staff, and they’re spending lots of money on people who can spin things their way. So, consider the following my “audition” for one of those $150,000 a year jobs. Hear that, DOE? I know you monitor this site. I can be on the job by July 1 with PR spin like the following:

Mayor Michael (“Friend of the Little People”) Bloomberg and Schools Chancellor Joel (“I Saved the Schools from Ruin”) Klein had another exciting day today making our city school system the finest that no-bid contracts can buy. The tandem, who have received accolades all over the world for bringing civilization to the city schools, had to practically fight off groups of parents just to reach their respective offices this morning, as the parents shook their fists at them in obvious adulation. For the Mayor, the high point of the subway trip to City Hall was when he personally confiscated three dangerous weapons (cell phones) from children who apparently intended to bring them into school buildings.

Chancellor Klein showed his “hands-on” style during an early-morning school visit by personally administering a “high-stakes” test to a group of children in an elementary school. Mr. Klein then fired the low-performing Principal on the spot when it became clear that the children did not measure up to standards. The discovery that the children were not students at all, but pre-school siblings accompanying their parents to a School Leadership Team meeting, did not dampen the appreciation showed by the parents for Mr. Klein’s strong action as they lifted him onto their shoulders. Well, more specifically, they lifted him onto a rail that they held on their shoulders as they carried him out of the building, but it was the honor of it that was the important thing.

Back in his office, the Chancellor fielded challenging questions about the legality of his refusal to comply with the state law which mandates the use of money from the Campaign for Fiscal Equity lawsuit to lower class size. Mr. Klein, showing the same great strength of character and high ethical standards of that great President, Richard Nixon, stated, “When the Chancellor does it, it’s not illegal.”

The Mayor, the Chancellor, and all of the parents and children of New York City can rest easier tonight, knowing that tomorrow, the two will again be on the job, protecting us from defenders of the status quo, low test scores, and cell phones of mass destruction.