Arne's Army

April 23, 2015 (GBN News): Education Secretary Arne Duncan might be wishing the Republicans had held up the Attorney General nomination of Loretta Lynch for just a little while longer. The new AG has put the kibosh on Mr. Duncan’s scheme to force schoolchildren who opt out of standardized testing to take the tests. The Secretary had wanted to lower the age for Federal jury service, then summon the children for jury duty and give them the tests under the guise of an eligibility questionnaire. “I have all the respect in the world for President Obama”, said Ms. Lynch in a statement to reporters at the justice department. “But truth be told, that Duncan character is nothing but a jerk.”

However, GBN News has learned that Mr. Duncan, not to be deterred, has now contacted Defense Secretary Ashton Carter to see if the military conscription age could be lowered to 5, then have drill sergeants administer the tests. “But if you can’t get the little buggers into the army,” the Education Secretary was said to have told Mr. Carter, “we can always conscript their parents. When those white suburban moms find themselves doing 500 pushups in the hot sun, you can bet they’ll have their kids filling out those bubbles before you can say, ‘Bill Gates’.”

President Obama, himself a Constitutional scholar, had no public comment on the legality of the Secretary’s plans. But one White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, told GBN News that the President was overheard telling his wife, “Thank goodness they don’t do standardized testing at Sasha and Malia’s school. But in case they ever do, it’s a good thing it’s a Quaker school and we can always opt out by being conscientious objectors.”