DOE Busts School Pizza Party

March 17, 2008 (GBN News): School security officers today broke up what NY City Department Of Education officials termed an “illegal pizza ring” and confiscated 160 pizza pies from a group of stunned elementary school students in Brooklyn. The raid on PS 445 was part of a renewed effort by the DOE to enforce a little known Chancellor’s regulation that bans serving any food not approved by the DOE’s “Chief Nutrition Officer”.

The children were gathered in the cafeteria for the school’s annual “Pizza Day”, a tradition which brings in hundreds of dollars for the PTA. According to furious parents who witnessed the scene, the students had barely begun sinking their teeth into their pizza when dozens of school security agents burst into the room, confiscated the pizza boxes, and even snatched slices of pizza right out of the children’s hands. The Principal tried to reason with the officers, and was immediately arrested for “interfering with police business”.

When reached for comment, Schools Chancellor Joel Klein defended the regulations and the response. “We have a Chief Nutrition Officer for good reason,” he told GBN News. “If a food interferes with children’s learning, it should be banned in school. Parents and teachers should be thanking those brave security agents, not complaining about them.”

GBN News was unable to reach the DOE Chief Nutrition Officer directly for comment as to how children’s learning can be affected by eating pizza. However, the Department of Education's Office of School Food and Nutritional Services responded with the following statement: “Pizza can give children gas, which hinders their concentration on tests and lowers test scores. Also, the grease gets on their fingers and can cause the pencil to slip out of their hands.”