Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Mayor Screws Up Chuck

February 4, 2009 (GBN News): A day after he exacted his ounce of flesh from Mayor Bloomberg, concern is growing over the health and well being of the groundhog known as Staten Island Chuck. His behavior has become erratic, and secrecy surrounded Chuck’s visit yesterday to a veterinary clinic. A spokesperson for the local chapter of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) alleged a cover-up, saying the group fears that the groundhog may have indeed contracted rabies from the Mayor.

“Bloomberg brought this on himself”, the PETA spokesperson said. “He condescendingly tried to force Chuck to do his bidding for a mere a photo op. It’s a typical case of a human trying to dominate an animal.”

However, J. Fredrick Runson, head of the Political Science department at Manhattan University, said that the Mayor actually treated Chuck no differently than he treats anyone else. “Look at how he got the Council to go along with overturning term limits”, Runson told GBN News. “Or the way he maintains Mayoral control of the schools through manipulating data and putting down his critics. He tries to dominate everyone through money and PR. The only difference is, the groundhog fought back.”

Meanwhile, Kevin Sheeky, Deputy Mayor for Government Affairs and a Bloomberg confidant, denied that the Mayor was rabid. “He does foam at the mouth on occasion,” Sheeky told GBN News. “But that’s just him, when he gets really angry.”

GBN News has learned that the Mayor may try to co-opt Chuck, a likely opponent in the upcoming Mayoral race, by offering him a position as Chief Mastication Officer for the Education Department. Mr. Bloomberg is said to feel that if Chuck can do to the Teachers Union and to parent groups what he did to the Mayor’s finger, the groundhog could prove himself extremely useful in maintaining Mayoral control over the schools.


Anonymous said...

Chuck for Mayor!

David Ballela said...

the real chuck may have been compromised