Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Rakhmon Named School Security Chief

June 6, 2007 (GBN News): Tajikistan President Emomali Rakhmon, whose reported appointment as NY City Schools Chancellor turned out to be an April Fools’ joke, will be coming to New York after all. Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that the Tajik strongman is being named to head up a newly reconstituted office of school security. Though the original report was a hoax, the Mayor learned that Mr. Rakhmon does indeed have a strict policy banning cell phones in schools, and has been able to effectively enforce it through his dictatorial powers.

The Mayor, with Schools Chancellor Joel Klein and Mr. Rakhmon at his side, discussed the new appointment at a City Hall news conference. Calling cell phones “The single biggest security threat to our children”, Mr. Bloomberg cited figures showing that cell phones have constituted a vast majority of the weapons seized in random scanning. “Yes", said the Mayor, "sometimes we find a knife or a gun, and of course we’ll continue to confiscate those too, but clearly, statistics prove that cell phones are by far the biggest problem.”

Mr. Bloomberg praised the “new ideas” that Mr. Rakhmon brings with him to beef up school security. An elite force, recruited from Mr. Rakhmon’s personal security detail in Tajikistan, will serve as an independent “quick response unit”, and can be at a school for a security sweep minutes after any reported cell phone violation. The new security chief vehemently denied that violators will be held in a detention facility that DOE staffers are already dubbing, “Little Gitmo”. Mr. Rakhmon, speaking through an interpreter, said, “There is nothing ‘little’ about it. Our detention facility is just as big as the real Gitmo, maybe even bigger.”

In what some observers feel may be a conflict of interest, the Mayor is reportedly also hiring Mr. Rakhmon privately as a political consultant. Impressed that The Tajik President won his office in an election that the New York Times said was “widely dismissed as a farce”, Mr. Bloomberg apparently feels that Mr. Rakhmon’s assistance could be crucial to a potential campaign for the White House. The Mayor was said to have told a close aide, “With Rakhmon on my side, I can certainly beat Guiliani. This guy’s even better than Bernie Kerik.”

4 comments:

MDS News Service said...

MDS News Service has learned that, in addition to the discovery of thousands of cell phones carried by students, DOE scanning has turned up millions of keys hidden in students' pockets. These keys have now been recognized as a widespread threat to the safety and security of the city population.

"Virtually every student carries house keys," said NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg," and these keys might be used to damage school property or scratch big, shiny limousines. Any keys found to be carried by students while on school property, as well as students going to and coming from school, will be immediately confiscated." Parents protested that students need the keys to get into their homes after school, but Mayor Bloomberg responded, "Stop whining! Haven't you people ever heard or Doormen?"

Gary Babad said...

We indeed live in troubling and dangerous times. But the real danger comes from the top. It's a good thing we have independent news services such as GBN, Gadfly, and MDS or we'd never get the truth!

Jan Carr said...

You did it, Gary! You scooped the Times on this one. The implications of this new appointment are frightening indeed, though we should've seen it coming; it's a logical extension of what has come before.

Anonymous said...

WELCOME MR: RAKHMON
YOUR FIRST ACTION SHOULD BE TO REPLACE HALF THE SCHOOL SECURITY FORCE BECAUSE IT'S A DISGRACE.

THERE ARE GOOD OFFICERS WITHIN THE FORCE, BUT THERE A LOT OF BAD ONES THAT ARE NOT WORTH THE JOB.